Missing You When You're Here
by miss latvia
Summary: They were back, but he was not who Ed loved. [EdRoy]


**MISSING YOU WHEN YOU'RE HERE**

**Title:** Missing You When You're Here  
**Author:** raychcons  
**Rating:** PG  
**Spoilers: **Movie spoilers  
**Warnings: **Ed/Roy [one-sided and yet not - But Roy/Risa  
**Summary:** They were back, but _he_ was not who Ed loved.  
**Notes: **This fic is based on if Ed and Al found a way back to their own world.  
**Parts:** 3/3 :)

**PART ONE - RETURN**

He sat down before Mustang, eyes dark.

"So… Another world?" The older man asked, and Ed nodded, shrugging a little.

"Yeah. There was a war and I was thrown right into the middle of it."

"I see. And you said you saw some of us there? Alternates?"

"Yeah. Hughes was there - an officer of some kind. Gracia was there, she was a store owner. I think they got together… Lust and Scar were there too, but they were fine. Not… You know… Evil. Or whatever." Roy nodded.

"And were we there?"

"Who?"

"Hawkeye and myself?"

"I…"

_"Am I there?" He asked as he looked down at Ed. The small blond smiled up at him._

_"Are you where, bastard?" The dark haired man grinned, and leant down to kiss Ed on the lips, soft and tender, a hand brushing against his cheek._

_"Am I in your world? The one that you came from?"  
_  
"I suppose you were. I think I saw you once. I can't really remember…"

"Were we together?" Ed blushed violently.

"What? No way…"

"So, Hawkeye doesn't like me in that world…"

"Oh. You meant her."

_"Yeah, you are there, Roy. But… We're not like this. You hate me." Ed whispered softly._

_"I could never hate you," His lover replied softly, brushing his lips over the blonde's neck._

_"Oh, you do. And there's this girl you like… Risa. You really like her…"_

_"And you don't like this?"_

_"Well, I don't like it now! Before I came… Here… I thought they were perfect for each other… That you two were perfect for each other… But now…"_

_"Now I love you. And you love me."_

_"Yes. I won't be able to stand watching them love each other knowing that you love me! That he loves me!"_

_"But he doesn't love you. I do. And we're different."_

"I know… I know, Roy."

"Is that all, sir?" Ed asked, the sad look that had always been in his eyes returning, growing. Even though Al had his body back, even though they were together, he could never be with him. Not anymore.

"Yes." Ed turned to leave. "Oh, Fullmetal?" Ed turned around, hope caught in his throat at the sound of Mustang's hopeful voice.

"Do you think Risa would like this necklace?" The man held up a chain of diamonds, and Ed shrugged.

"I guess." And with that, he turned to leave the office.

_"Do you swear never to forget me?" The dark haired man asked as they stood together, Al beside Ed, tears in all their eyes._

_"Yes. I swear. I wish you could come, but…"_

_"I know. He's there, and there can't be two of us, right?" He gave a loose, sad chuckle. "I love you. Never forget that - no matter who he is, he will never love you."_

_"I know. I love you, Roy." _

_"Then I suppose I can let you go. And if I ever meet anyone called Risa Hawkeye, I'll stay far away, okay?" Ed smiled sadly. _

_"Okay."_

_And then he was gone, through the gate to the world where he belonged._

**PART TWO - SORROW AND GOODBYE**

It was pain. A dark, burning pain that consumed him from the inside and cracked his heart into a thousand pieces. And it wasn't fixable either. And he didn't want it to leave. It was a painful reminder, a strong memory, telling him that everything was been real.

"Do you swear never to forget me?" Roy asked, tears in his eyes that would never fall. Not in front of Ed. Never in front of Ed.

"Yes. I swear. I wish you could come, but…" His lover trailed off, but he understood. He knew too well why he couldn't follow.

"I know. He's there, and there can't be two of us, right?" His laugh was fake, tired, lost. He had to hide the pain. "I love you. Never forget that - no matter who he is, he will never love you."

"I know. I love you, Roy." A memory locked in his heart. He would never forget the soft way that those words fell from his lips, the innocent blush that crossed his cheeks… The adoration in his voice when Edward said his name. Now that he knew, then…

"Then I suppose I can let you go. And if I ever meet anyone called Risa Hawkeye, I'll stay far away, okay?" Ed smiled sadly. That smile was the last one he would see…

"Okay." It's not okay.

And then he was gone, through the gate to the world where he belonged.

Roy turned and walked away, his footsteps echoing quietly around him. If you listened carefully, you could hear his heart breaking.

Now his memories swirled around him, forcing themselves to the front of him mind, every second made more tears gather until they fell down his face like a waterfall - silent and free. He could remember everything - right from the moment he met Edward to the second he told him that he had to leave.

_"Hey! You! Bastard! Stop!" Roy turned, seeing a short, blond man rush up behind him. He raised an eyebrow._

_"Excuse me?"_

_"You heard. What the hell are you doing here? First Al, then Hughes… Who next? Fury? Breda?" Roy shook his head._

_"I think you have me confused with someone else, kid. I have no idea who you're talking about."_

_"Who you callin' a kid! I'm nineteen years old!" Roy rolled his eyes, before holding out his hand._

_"My name is Roy Mustang. I design explosives used by the air force. And you are?"_

_"I'm Edward Elric, but you can call me Ed, everyone else does. I'm into a little rocket science, that's all."_

_"It's nice to meet you, Mr. Elric."_

It wasn't long until they were more than just acquaintances. Roy met Ed's brother, Alphonse, a bright boy with the confidence of a goldfish. This relationship of theirs even deepened to the point where Ed revealed all, talking about this 'other world' where everything was different, and there was a strange new science called alchemy that couldn't be used in this place. He also spoke of the 'gate', but those words were few and far between - it always cast a shadow over both the Elric's eyes.

Soon, their friendship developed into something even deeper than that. Sly brushes, hidden strokes, casual flirting - it was easy to see where this relationship was going. Each man hid his feelings, however, fearful of the new Nazi revolution and the punishment that those who did not follow the rules of the Fuhrer felt.

Ed always shuddered at the word Fuhrer.

Soon, it was too much for Roy. He had to admit it, and fast. He couldn't take the pressure on his heart anymore.

_"Ed, I need to talk to you."_

_"Well hurry up and spit it out then! You've been pacing like an idiot for the past ten minutes!"_

_"I'm trying, small-fry, give me a second!"_

_"Who're you callin' so small he can't hear you up there?-!"_

_"Ed, I didn't say that."_

_"I know." The blond pouted a little, and of course, Roy forgave him. How could he not?_

_"It's hard. I've never said it before… And I feel that actions are better than words," Leaning down, Roy pressed his lips against Ed's, soft, passionate and beautiful. When they broke free from each other, Ed looked up._

_"So that's how you feel?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Good. I was starting to worry about myself," And with that, Ed pulled him in for another kiss._

These memories reminded Roy of everything - their fights, their kisses, and the times they held each other in bed, Ed's moans, his hands… Everything - overwhelming him so much he had to stop and rest against a wall. He couldn't take the strain. He slid down, back pressed against the wall, until he was sat on the corner of the street, close to sobbing. He couldn't help it.

"Sir, are you alright?" He looked up, and a young blond woman was looking down at his, her eyes cold, but hinting delicately at sympathy and worry. Roy nodded his head, and the woman shook hers, handing him a handkerchief.

"What's your name, sir?"

"Roy Mustang." He didn't want to ask, something in the back of his mind told him this woman was bad, but he couldn't help it. Handing back the piece of fabric, he wiped his eyes with his sleeve. "Thanks, but no thanks. Can I ask who you are?"

"Risa Hawkeye. I saw you from across the street and wanted to make sure you were alright." Roy stiffened.

_"What was Hawkeye like?" Roy asked one night as he and Ed sat alone. Ed shrugged._

_"She was very protective of you. She made sure you did your work, stopped you… Sorry. She made sure he did all his work, stopped him from getting himself killed… Made sure he was alright and covered up his sadness when Hughes died."_

_"Ah. I see. Did you like her?"_

_"She was alright. I never spoke to her much - I preferred spending time with the other military guys. It was a lot more fun than hanging out with a stuffy woman like her!"  
_  
She held out a hand, and Roy accepted it, letting himself be pulled to his feet. He nodded to her in thanks.

"May I walk you home?" She asked. "I do not want you to do anything stupid like that, not around here. Not a very nice neighbourhood, I'm afraid, and I have this," Her hand brushed a pistol hidden in her belt under her shirt.  
_  
"She loved threatening people with her gun though. That's what I remember most - her threats. They were funny… Sometimes."_

"Sure, thanks," Roy accepted the woman's aid, and together they walked back to Ed's flat, the one he had left to Roy when he returned to his own world. They walked in almost silence, the sounds around them covering up the awkwardness. When they reached the place… Where Ed had lived… Roy turned to her and smiled.

"Thank you very much, Miss Hawkeye."

"Please, call me Risa. Maybe we can go out sometimes?" Roy almost choked, but nodded all the same.

"Maybe. You know where I live, okay, come see me, maybe. Goodbye."

"Goodbye," And then she turned and walked off, walking oddly stiffly for a woman.

As Roy climbed the stairs to get to his flat, he wondered. Could he go out with Hawkeye? Ed was here no longer, and he said there had always been an attraction between them. But…

_"What are you most scared of, Ed?" The blond turned away from his writing and looked back at his lover, before shrugging._

_"I dunno."_

_"I know you know. Tell me… Please?" Ed sighed._

_"Fine. I guess… I'm scared of Hawkeye. I'm scared she will come and steal you away from me, take you far away and leave me alone… Again…" Roy rose from where he was sitting and wrapped his arms around his young lover's neck._

_"I'll never let her steal me away, Ed. I promise, okay?" He felt Edward nod against him and relax, reassuring Roy that the teen had understood his promise. No one but you, Ed. No one._

Roy shook his head. He had promised - he would not see Risa. He had sworn to Ed, and nothing could change that. Unlocking the door and pushing it open, Roy stepped in, closing the thick door behind him. He dropped his coat when he turned and saw the blond man sitting at his table with a cup of tea in his hands, reading the paper.

"Ah, Roy Mustang I presume. Good day, my name is Hohenheim Elric, and I am an alchemist."

**PART THREE - OUR LAST DANCE/A FINAL GOODBYE/THE PROMISE**

It didn't work. Roy stared at the ground with a shroud of darkness over his face, and slowly, his heart broke again. If you listened carefully, you could have heard it.

"I don't understand." Hohenheim muttered under his breath, walking around the large circle on the floor, eyeing it with a critical eye. His plans had been perfect… It was like a blistering hope to Roy. But that hope was now a pain that he couldn't force away.

Their theory had been simple. The way to connect the two gates was through your life, and your blood controlled your life. Each human was connected to the gate; all they needed was to reawaken that connection. With the use of their own blood and the force of memory within them, alongside the aid of a rather large transmutation circle, it was possible to open the portal to the other word with a simple click of the fingers. But it hadn't worked.

And now Roy was more broken than he had been before.

"You lied to me," He said, his voice echoing the large room. It was the same room Edward had used to return to his world - though, Hohenheim didn't know that. "You lied; you told me I could have him back! Does it please you, Hohenheim, to know that you broke my heart, ripped away my soul and threw it back in my face! You said… You said that I could see him again, just one more time… You lied…"

Roy hadn't reacted like this the first time they had attempted the transmutation. Or the second. Or even the third (though his heart had begun to sink at that moment). Now, on the eighth try, he had had enough. His heart was sore enough already. It was the fact that Hawkeye seemed to be stalking him, the fact that his head hurt every time he woke up without Ed and the fact that he had found one of Ed's shirts the other day and now he couldn't sleep without it. It was pain more deep and painful than anything else in the world.

And as Roy had collapsed to the floor, his knees shaking as they hid the wood, Hohenheim had fled, hoping to try and re-perfect his plans again.

Ed wouldn't have run.

Ed would have stayed and held his hand and told him that everything would be okay.

But Ed wasn't here anymore.

Ed was gone. Ed was gone!

A wail echoed around the walls of the storehouse.

[Amestris

Risa gazed down at the piece of paper in her hand. She didn't want to believe it, but it was there, written before her in plain black ink. Her left hand shook, the gold band shimmering on her finger suddenly feeling very tight.

_'I will never forget what we would do….'_

This wasn't happening. They were happy! Why did this have to happen! She fell backwards into a chair.

_'I will miss you more than I have missed anything before in my life, but I understand. Our paths are taking different roads…'  
_  
It was her fault, really. She shouldn't have gone through Edward's things - they were personal, private. But she wanted to know why he didn't come to their wedding, why he never spoke directly at her, why he had that heartbroken look in his eyes at the office.

_'Our love will never end, it is only separated. I hope you will always remember what we shared, my little chibi. She will never stand in the way of that, this I swear. I won't let her…'_

It wasn't hard to guess who the she was. Risa knew that she had broken something inside Ed the day she had gotten married and become Mrs. Risa Mustang, but she hadn't realised what. She had thought the boy was in love with her!

_'I love you, now and forever. Never forget that, Ed. Never. I love you.  
-Roy'_

But Roy loved her! Her! He had married her, held her, touched her and loved her before Ed had arrived.

She didn't notice the banging of the door.

She didn't hear the steps coming up behind her, a clunk then a pat, signalling a leg that wasn't entirely real.

She didn't notice a young man stand shocked behind her, desolation written all over her face.

What she did notice, however, was the whine of pain and the metal hand that reached out and grabbed the letter from her hand, and the loud, trembling voice that echoed with a dark sadness that could never be overcome.

"What are you doing? You shouldn't do things like this!"

"I understand why you hate me now-"

"I can't believe you would do something like this, my personal message… my lifeline… Secret from him…"

"And I know that it must have been hard for you-"

"Get out! GET OUT!" Edward screamed at her, tears running down his face faster than they ever had before, a never ending chain of fear and pain.

"Edward, I didn't mean-"

"YOU DON'T KNOW! YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING! GO AWAY! HE'S GONE!" And Risa was stunned into silence.

"He's gone, and I can't get him back, and it hurts, it hurts to much, and I don't know what to do and I love him and.." The man trailed off, falling to his knees, the scrap of paper clutched to his chest over his heart.

"Ed, he's in the office. He hasn't gone anywhere. I don't understand."

"No, NO! That's not _my_ Roy. That's _your_ Roy, the one that doesn't care and the one that thinks of me as a child and wants me dead and knows I am a pain and loves to rub it in my face that he's married to you. No, my Roy is gone! I left him alone because I thought I _belonged_ here, I thought this was where I was meant to be! It's not, though, is it Risa? I have never been more out of place before in my life, I feel so awkward around everyone because I don't know them anymore, and it hurts knowing that he doesn't love me and that he thinks of me as something he can throw away…"

Risa was confused, but there was a part of her that knew what Edward was talking about. He had been to another world, the other side of the gate that separates people from death, and leads to an alternate world without alchemy and…

And oh.

Alternate characters that were the same in this world. Another Roy, in another world, that loved Edward so completely and unselfishly that he would let him return to this world because he _thought_ he belonged.

Edward had given up everything, just so that he could return and be ridiculed. So that he would be stuck in the ranks and be treated like a bad dog by everyone, to be kicked around and to take all the punishment.

And she felt the pain inside. Her heart ached, and slowly, her hand reached out and touched his shoulder, the real one, her fingers resting lightly upon it. Much to her surprise, Edward didn't pull away, he didn't try and force her to move or let go. Slowly, her hands wrapped around him, her arms pulling him closer into a closeness that the young man had never felt with the woman before.

"I'm sorry, Ed." She said, tears gathering in her own eyes. "I'm so sorry. I never noticed it before…"

Together, in silence, they sat, and she took his pain upon her own shoulders.

[Munich

She was following him again. Why wouldn't she just leave? Why couldn't she realise that she wasn't him, her hair wasn't dark enough, her hand wasn't metal, she wasn't him, and she never could be!

"Roy..?"

"Please, Risa, not today. I have… A headache."

"Very well. Just explain one thing to me. Why do you always brush me off as though I am nothing but a piece of dirt upon your sleeve?" This Risa was very different to the one Ed had described.

"You're not… It's hard, I can't explain it. I apologise for how I have been treating you, but I am not ready for a relationship at the moment."

"But that's not it, is it, Roy? There is something holding you back, and I want to know what it is." Roy suddenly stopped being polite, and became cold.

"I don't see how it is any of your business, Miss Hawkeye."

"I care for you, Roy. I want to know what is hurting you so bad you refuse to see something when it is right before your eyes!" Roy turned, his dark eyes flashing.

"No, Risa, you refuse to see that is before your eyes! You cannot see that I have no interest in you because of a past that haunts my every step! I do not love you and I never will because I made a promise, I swore, and that means more to me than any feelings you think you have! My heart has already been taken! It was taken long before I met you, and long before I knew your name. I apologise again, but I will never be ready for a relationship with you because I can't have one. It is something you will have to learn, Miss Hawkeye, because you don't seem to understand that I can feel other things than 'love' for you. I love someone else, and I always will, and it is about time that you learned that." Turning, Roy stalked down the road, leaving a stunned woman standing alone behind him.

Tears gathered in his eyes as he thought about Ed, his smile, his laugh, his moan, and his heart lost another piece to the never ending sorrow that was his life.

This pain was too much. He wouldn't be able to take much more before he broke down.

[Amestris

"I'm leaving, and I don't think I am coming back." Roy Mustang looked up from the papers he was signing, a look of shock written over his face.

"Edward, you have only just returned to us! Where are you off travelling to now? Do Winry and Al need some help?"

"No. I'm going back." That sent a shock down the General's spine, and he stood, the chair scraping across the floor.

"I thought you said it was terrible."

"It was."

"And that you hated every moment?"

"I did."

"Do you wish to explain why you are returning then?"

"Because there is a ray of light in the world that isn't here. There is a beauty that I didn't realise before, a beauty that made me belong, and I need it back. I know that I would die if I don't have it. You must give me clearance to leave the Military before I can go, otherwise I would not be here." Roy nodded, slowly, as though he had barely grasped their topic.

"You are under the command of Colonel Mustang, not me."

"Yes, but she said that I needed clearance from you."

"Very well. I give you permission to leave us for good and risk your life for a pointless dream. Good enough?"

Edward looked as though he might explode, but he turned away, pushing open the door with his metal hand, not feeling the wood beneath his fingers.

"You know nothing about dreams." And then he left.

[Munich

He was here again. Standing alone in the old warehouse, the dark black marks on the floor the only evidence that he had tried to get Ed back. He couldn't believe the pain he still felt, but that was okay. He had the memories.

Walking forward, he knelt in the middle of the circle, placing a piece of fabric there, a scattering red jacket, a forlorn memory. It slipped from his hands like silk, falling from him. It was his last memory.

As he watched the fabric fall into a puddle of dreams, tears slipped down his face, and one landed on a black line, sparking a chain reaction all around him.

A blue portal opened beneath his feet. Roy scrambled to his feet, looking around him.

_When a portal is opened from this side of the gate, it shines a bright yellow, like the sunlight shining on the morning dew._ Edward told him everything about alchemy. _But when it's a dark blue, like the lost seas of this world, it means it opened from the other side._

A small figure fell through, clad in a red coat with a black shirt and wonderfully tight leather pants. Roy's eyes widened in joy and surprise as the brilliant colours around his sparkles and faded, until he realised that the jacket wasn't read.

It was blood.

Everything seemed to run in slow motion, and he fell to his knees before the figure, a shaking hand brushing against his cheek.

It was Ed.

Ed was back, and there was so much to say - too little time, what could they do? He wanted to hold him, taste him again, kiss him but there was blood and sweat and tears and pain and Roy didn't know what to do - but he had to help Edward first. He tried to move and call for an ambulance, but Edward grabbed his hand.

"Don't bother," He gasped, his voice soft and lost, as though it hadn't followed him through the gate. "I won't survive long, trust me. I can't, it was the price I paid. Please, please - just, kiss, kiss me please - I want to hold you one last time… It hurts so much but not as much pain as trying to live without you and Roy, oh Roy…" His sentences almost made no sense, but it was as though Roy had found a language he understood perfectly.

Their kiss was rushed, and yet was tender. Tear stained lips pressed against pale skin that was suffering from lack of blood, the pain rushing through them both as the nostalgia took over, memories of other kisses and other times returning. Roy pressed his hand against Ed's cheek, and he was so close to not stopping and continuing when Ed pulled away, a content smile on his young face.

"Thank you, thank you, Roy, I love you, I love you so much. It wasn't the same - not the same at all, it was so different - and Roy and Risa got married and it wasn't you and it hurt - so much more than this, this will be over soon - and she found out and she helped he return and it hurts so bad Roy!" The blond was close to sobbing, his breath coming in gasps, quick and fast and filled with pain.

"Edward, Edward my chibi alchemist," Roy had adopted that name so long ago, so so long it felt like forever. "What happened? Tell me, please, I have to help, I want to help, you have to tell me!" Edward shook his head and gasped, cringing as a wave of pain more intense than anything he had ever felt came over him.

"You can't help. There was no Homunculus to help me get through, they're all gone, all gone, and I had to offer something in exchange - because that's the rule, that's the rule, right? - And they took my heart, Roy. They took what was yours, what was always yours, and now they have it and I am dying and I can't stop it and it hurts Roy! It hurts! I just wanted to be with you again and it hurts so much…" Edward gasped in pain, and Roy could see the blood flow stopping, darkening to a stain that was more deathlike. His hand reached out shakily, touching Ed's cheek.

"How are you still alive? With no heart, how can you live?"

"I… I don't know - sensei did it, sensei can do anything - it must be something to do with this other world, messing me up… Haha… I love you, Roy. Please, live without me. Marry Hawkeye, if you like. I don't mind, as long as you're happy. As long as you're.. You're happy.." His breaths were falling short.

"I won't be happy without you, Ed. Not without you," Roy was kissing his cheeks, his lips brushing against the skin as he spoke. "I love you, I love you so much I had given up hope of life. She followed me, tried to make me love her but she wasn't you, she wasn't you, she could never be you, never ever be you, Ed. I'm so glad I could see you again just one more time, and I hate this pain this torture, of seeing you just to have you die!" The dark haired man was in tears, sobs breaking his words as he closed his eyes. "I tried so hard to believe that we could be together again, but we can't be, there is something against us, and I don't want you to go where I can't follow!" Roy sat up, looking down at the body of the man he loved. Something was different.

Something was wrong.

Edward had stopped breathing. A cry of pain tore from Roy's throat, and he almost fell upon the body before him, covered in blood and sweat and tears, and he broke, he broke into a million pieces that wouldn't let him be. And soon his breathing caught short, the sobs and the tears choking him until he had to stop and sit up, breaking the spell of darkness over him and washing him with another darkness.

He couldn't follow.

He couldn't go where Edward had gone. Not now - he had to do what Edward had said, he had to be happy. But he didn't want to leave. He swore he would be happy. He had promised Ed.

But how could he be happy without Ed?

Roy began to break again, falling over the body. Steps echoed behind him, and he didn't want to turn, didn't want to see who it was as he lay, cradling hid dead lover.

Behind him, Hohenheim watched, waiting for when it would be time for Roy to keep that promise, his own heart breaking again as he heard the gasping sobs and broken cried.

The words "Edward, I love you," Echoed around the room.

X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-XX-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X

**ENDING NOTES:** This fic was inspired by some serious angst I read a while ago. I found it truly wonderful, and therefore made this piece easy to write. It was originally posted on my Livejounal, so it has been edited and commented upon before, so if you've seen it then you will know who I am :P

This fic started off as just a one shot, with only the first part, but people asked for more and so I got some ideas.. In the end it developed into t his. It was kinda cool to write all this and enjoy writing it, even the dastardly ending!

**TOTAL WORDS:** 5159


End file.
